The lack of posts is due to the overwhelming amount of stuff that I have had to deal with. Stuff. Ugh. So ridiculously inadquate to explain the monstrous storm of events in my life.
Anyway. Life goes on. Slowly.
I am in the midst of the absolute worst Lyme flare I have ever had. A quick ROS, since I am seeing my doctor on Wednesday and want to get everything in the forefront of my mind...
--pain: Horrible and undeniable 10/10 for nearly two weeks. Broken somewhat by the introduction of a gram of another antibiotic.
--word substitution. People I am around right now think it is funny. However, it is a sinister situation. To me, the word substitution is an indicator I am getting a resurgence of neurological thinking issues.
--joint swelling that is random and movable: First it started in my feet, then involved my hands, wrists, elbows, knees and pelvis. The additional abx served to magnify the joint swelling to one major joint per flare up. Mysteriously, the Lyme bugs choose one joint set to harass for a few days and then move on. For example, before Christmas, I was thoroughly convinced that my L knee had decided to break overnight. I had to literally lift my leg and bend the joint with my hands because the pain was so intense I could not simply bend it without assistance. Standing up from the couch, getting out of bed, going to the restroom, and even eating were tasks that now required careful planning.
--pain. Just have to mention that again. Thinking back over the relatively pain free six or eight months I have had makes me quietly envious of myself then--I had fatigue, I had joint pain, but it was nothing like this darkness.
Lesson learned: enjoy what you have, because you never know when it could be taken from you. (a distinct reference to pain free days...)
I have been having problems with school. Balancing the careful walk of panic attacks, panicky feelings, and the oncoming Doom of Changing Antibiotics During Break was horrible. To add a layer of complexity, I have been dying to go visit my doctor, but normally my father takes me to see her. He has been tied up with my grandmother a state and a half away as she is dealing with c. dif. A third piece of the school puzzle is excused absences...I have a standing letter from my doctor to excuse any and all absences I may accrue due to the nature of my illness. Somehow this is not working, leaving me to deal with the paralyzing shock of a lot of unexcused lab absences. I asked to apply for an Incomplete in the class--of course, the pain roared awake, and simply surviving the unending drum of its existence became the sum of my entire life for a week and change. I know there will be many angry emails to sift through, some of which are probably (quite rightly) regarding my lack of response.
I maintain that when you are thrown in the fire, you will burn. This week has been a matter of survival for me. I think a lot of Lyme patients can point to a certain time in their illness that was the worst. This is, without a doubt, mine. My Christmas break has been more of a Nightmare than I could have ever imagined. I have learned words and names and feelings for pain that I never thought existed.
I will address these emails later this morning, as it is 3 am. The gram of new abx is making me a complete insomniac.
---> Onto more pleasant things...
My little Pom has turned into a source of comfort for me. I have a lot of big dogs, and only the old female "gets it" that I can only touch her softly and tolerate her touch on my hands and fingertips. The other two big monsters, brash younger males, go into overdrive if I touch them more than a soft graze of my hand once or twice. My youngest dog, a little female Yorkie, is not a super cuddle bug. However, she is more than willing to sit on the couch with me. (How she has become mostly blind over the past month is another story for another post.)
Onto the Pompom, a small red male of middle age, whose previous elderly owner passed away. I suspect that he is reacting to my illness, as he has become extremely possessive of me since I have been in so much pain. I wonder about his life with his previous owner, and the mind of animals--he must recognize illness in me, the same way he recognized the failing health of his first love. It is a unique situation that the noses of dogs are used now to detect cancer, often before it can be shown on any test or screen. Would it be that far to jump to assume that he smells as well as sees illness?
A good litmus test was Christmas day, as he was toted up to the family gathering. In the past I have always brought my big dogs, but as they could not be relied upon to avoid hurting me, I was not willing to take them. Fitzig, named for the strange fluffy hairy red howling creature in the movie the Dark Crystal, reacted to my stepfather (who is dealing with a Gleason 6 prostate cancer) the same way he reacts to me. It was often hysterical--he hopped carefully on a vacant couch cushion next to him, and went through an entire repertoire of cute and cuter poses, getting more and more outrageous to everyone's laughter. He was sneakily affectionate with others--yes, pet me now, ok I am done, goodbye!--but the flirtatious behavior designed to get a laugh was saved for us.
He is very careful with how he expresses excitement--instead of banging on my legs with his front paws, he stands up on his hind legs and softly rests the pads of his feet on my calf. It is distinctly different than his other jumps for attention/excitement/sheer glee, some of which would scratch me if I was not stern.
The horse life...
The horses are turned out 24/7 on a huge pasture. They are brought in only in the case of rain turning to snow. They seem to be doing ok. I miss them desperately, and just the idea of them being up the mountain--so close but so far out of my reach--is devastating. It is necessary to get better, sure, but when you are stuck lying down and dreaming, you miss everything.
I am going to try and get the form filled out for the US Para Dressage Team at my doctor visit. It will be interesting to see what she thinks of the form and the amount of impairment I have right now.
Now, to wrap myself in the heated blanket and try to sleep, despite the nasty taste of the Evil Antibiotic that Starts with C.
